This is probably one of my most unhinged moments. It was quite some time ago definitely past any kind of statute of limitations and quite possibly this is all a fictional tale anyway. It was around 2012 and I decided I was going to get back into shape after a prolonged depression episode. I went out to the backyard where my bench, squat rck and weights were. I started rooting around and could not find my barbell...or about 300lbs of plates. I. Was. Pissed. Who the hell thought they had the right to come into MY backyard and make off with MY weights? A few years before this half the neighbors were terrified of me and my hooligan friends. The audacity.
So I went online and started searching for booby trap options. I settled on a 12 gague tripwire set up paired with some Dragons Breath shells. Dragon's breath are quarter shells that shoot about 3 feet of bright orange firey hell. I screwed the trap into a nearby maple tree and ran some wire to a junky weight bench you could see from the street and tossed some dead leaves on the wire and trap. Then I waited. Months passed until one evening around 1 am when I heard the sound of 12 gague justice ringing out in my backyard. I bolted to the backyard to confront my Backyard Trash Bandito.
Not the exact same 12ga alarm but functionally the same.
When I ran out the backdoor and towards the front yard I saw someone on a bicycle rolling down my yard and around the corner. I beckoned him politely to come back and have a conversation about WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING IN MY BACK YARD. He declined the offer. There was a street light around that corner so all I saw was a black silhouette on a bike fleeying. I can only imagine he had a full PANT LOAD. If I had been in shape like I was a few years before this when I ran marathons I would have just ran him down on foot and fucked his shit up. But the flabby out of shape state I was in I stood no chance in a foot chase so I ran in tossed on my shoes and hopped in my car.
Imagine this aimed STRAIGHT UP AT YOUR DICK while thieving.
I started methodically searching the neighborhood with a huge spotlight that pluged into the cars 12v power supply. After about 20 minutes I gave up and went back home. At this time the 2008 housing crash was in full effect and three houses in a row across the street were vacant including the house on the corner. From behind the privacy fence I saw a cell phone light up. That fucker was hiding nearby this entire time! I fired the car back up and flew around the corner up into that houses driveway with the spotlight and again requested a meeting of the minds which for some unknown reason was declined. All I heard was some turd jumping fences down that row of empty houses. I discovered his bike was in that backyard with the chain popped off. I claimed the bike as a war trophy. Man, fuck that guy. After these events nothing else ever walked away from my backyard.
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